Stuck at sixteen

This was actually something I wrote a while ago, I'm so ready to leave so much in 2015, so here's one I made early, it's so 2015 and you know what? There's only 9 days left....

I recently started having a much needed, alcohol induced, conversation with a friend of mine. Our friendship got complicated, we’ve lost a lot of time and it’s so unnecessarily awkward for us; I used to be able to talk to them about everything, and more important nothing, for hours. We started talking, and I finally got my long anticipated apology. And, for that, I am so grateful.

I think people thoroughly underestimate the power of a meaningful apology. After everything I had to put up with, and what I am still having to endure, due to their actions and a lot of his inactions; I value that apology so much. It will never really make anything better; but, it does mean they recognised they spoilt it, they ruined it, they regrets hurting me, and I can undoubtedly forgive them for that.

When we were talking, he stated he wished I had someone like he does. He wished I was in love.

This left me perplexed. It actually irritated me a little too. The problem with us, as a generation, is that we are so busy trying to find someone, something to complete us. We are completely addicted to the concept of love.  We thrive on thinking we’re in love. We’re obsessed with wanting to be in love, wanting to find it, wanting to really feel it. Because, for us the real question is; what is life if you’re not in love?

Well, how can I put this? I call bullshit.

I grabbed his arm and told him that if what him and his girlfriend have is love, I would rather NEVER be in it.

I don’t mean to be dramatic. And, it’s not particularly personal to their relationship; but, as someone who isn’t even 20 yet, I am in absolutely no rush to attach myself to another person when I’ve barely lived. I want to be able to live a life where I can tell my own stories, learn my own life lessons, be young, dumb and reckless without it being a consequence to anyone else.

What I'm saying is, we’ve just stopped being in school. We have just moved out. A lot of us are experiencing independence for the FIRST time. There are so many things I haven’t yet done, there’s so many things I didn’t even know I hadn’t done.

These kids in serious relationship are attaching so much meaning to a person that they lose who they are without that person. They rather hold onto something mediocre and comfortable than risk being alone for a while and going into the unknown. The fear of the unknown is so real. It scares them more to be alone than it does to be unhappy for the foreseeable future. Isn’t that a true tragedy?

If you got into a relationship when you were 16, it’s highly likely that you are still stuck in that sixteen-year-old mind set. You probably do love your partner, but does that mean you're IN love with them?

Never having been in a relationship, I don’t know. I have never been in a relationship by choice, I assure you. Not in a vain way, but I get attention, but how can I commit to a person when I can barley commit to myself? One day I will love who I am: my body, my hair, my laugh, every part of myself; then the next I will be unhappy with my weight, think my hair is boring, hate a little gap in my teeth. I can’t even commit to loving me, how can I guarantee someone else I will love them?

If I look at the people around me, I have two friends who have loved their partners since they were about 16. When they’re with their girlfriends they change, it feels like they regress. I don’t think anyone works hard to change, to then be with someone who doesn’t add to your life and even takes you back to a time where you are your former self. These boys seem to be growing so much when they came to university. Obviously, I didn’t know them before, but even from the beginning of our first year till the end they changed SO much. They became confident, more themselves, more assertive, more daring and just happier. When I see them with their girlfriends, or even when they are more involved with their girlfriends, they become children once again.

Being stuck at 16 is what we should really fear. They fear being alone. These people in serious relationships at sixteen are more afraid of being alone than being just content. How can we live in a generation where instead of striving for happiness, true ecstasy, living in bliss, we’re perfectly satisfied living with what’s comfortable rather than try something new?

Potentially something to reflect on?

Well that was a thought from 2015 I'm glad to have shared. To be honest, a new year genuinely means it's time to leave all of those thoughts, feelings, and negative people in the past and make the BEST of a hopefully brilliant new year!

Until next time, remember I've said it so it must be true....

Chantelle₇


The Fear

I think we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to find the one or someone. It kind of sucks. We try and find people we want to spend a lifetime with; but in all honest, I don’t even know what I want to eat for dinner tonight and I can’t decide between Bob’s Burgers or QI. How do I know what I want for the rest of my life?

People keep saying “you'll just know” but, I really don’t think that’s the case. Especially, these people who are either serial daters, or those who think they’re going to marry their childhood sweetheart. How do you know tomorrow that you wont get bored of his incessant babbling about the Man Utd match, or the way he shakes his knees when he’s sitting at the table for dinner? How could you possibly know that all the things that are sweet and congenial right now won’t be the most displeasing traits he possesses in just a matter of years?

What is truly frightening is giving yourself to someone. Giving all of you to someone for them to just leave you. Making all these memories, going to all these places, doing all these firsts with someone you can’t imagine yourself functioning adequately without, then in no time at all, they decide to leave you. What then? How do you recover from that? Surely, all those things would haunt you. Every time you go to those places how do you prevent all those, once so happy, memories surfacing? For me, it’s genuinely incomprehensible. I'm pretty sure it’s a large part of why being so involved with someone is a daunting concept for me.

I can’t imagine creating something supposedly magical with someone could later cause me to turn all those rose-tinted memories to black ash. How is it okay that something at one point in time could cause you to be the happiest person in the world, to then later cause you nothing but overwhelming pain?

It’s not that I don’t want someone to create amazing memories with; believe me I do, I just can not imagine that person knowing me and being the reason for my smile whilst simultaneously being the sole reason for my tears. How can you walk away from the person who knows you better than you know yourself?

I get why people do it. You grow. You change. You aren’t those teenagers who fell in loved when you were 15 anymore. You’ve both changed. Your goals aren’t compatible. You want different things. The list of reasons is never ending. It must be so devastating. It is possible to die of a broken heart. It is possible to break a heart string.

That’s what I’m really afraid of. No, not the dying. That, as Peter Pan stated “would be an awfully big adventure” but, the fact someone I LOVE could be the reason for my sadness. And from what I can see, heartbreak sounds like one of the deepest kind of sad. I don’t think I'm ready to surrender to the possibility.

Remember, I've never been in a relationship, so what do I know?!

Until next time, remember I've said it so it must be true....

Chantelle₇


Guess who's back?

Wait for me to come home...

So, I'm back in LDN.

PARTAYYYYYY!

I’ve moved into my new home. It’s super cute! I’m living with my two best female friends, Alison and Jessica, and life is pretty sweet. I live in North Kensington. BIG TIME BALLER, I KNOW.

I have a new job. Uni starts soon too.

Basically, I'm perfectly content with my life as it is.

Moving in was so exciting! All the cute things I had for my bedroom. It’s a black and white theme. Elephants – a ‘getting back to my roots’ vibe.

It was fab seeing Hannah again.

Totally apprehensive about seeing the boys, but we’ll see how it all goes.

I’ll do a proper blog post about the trauma of moving in with these two.

Until next time, remember I've said it so it must be true....

Chantelle₇


Song of the post: Do It Again - Pia Mia 

Baby, you're so classic....

What happened to old fashion romance? Cute dates? Asking parents permission to take a girl out? Leaving room for Jesus while dancing? Where's it all gone?

Okay, so I regularly get called ancient by my siblings, baring in mind I'm yet to turn 20, but I do think that our generation has lost some of the magic and cuteness previous generations have had.

I think that maybe we should bring back some of the cuter aspects of dating that our parents and grandparents had. I'm sure most of us have heard the loved phrase “back in my/our day we….” Well maybe they have a point. No, I'm definitely not saying our parents are always right or always have a point when they use that phrase, my mother uses it a lot when I complain about slow Wi-Fi, she quips me with “back in my day you had to go to the library to do all your homework and if you wanted to talk to your friends you’d have to visit them or write a letter….” I'm not going to lie, I do tend to zone out when my mother flashes back to her younger self and her real life struggles, but when she talks about dates its pretty cute.

We should actually ASK people out on dates. Stop asking to “hang out” or “if you're free we could” or “I'm bored…” If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Do it. Seriously it would be appreciated to be asked out on a date. Like come find me and be like “hey, I was thinking we could go out for lunch and then take a trip to the history museum because they have a new exhibition opening and I though we could go check it out together.” YES.

I think a guy should knock on the door and meet my parents. I think it would be cute. I'm not saying it would have to be the first date because that is SO heavy, but I think If we’d been dating a while and he picked me up and knocked on my door whilst I came down the stairs, that would be cute.

Bring a cute little gift. Doesn’t have to be big or fancy, a flower, my favourite sweets, something cute. I'm not asking for something all the time but sometimes it would be sweet.

Dressing up. I feel like we have to be casual about everything. Its boring. I do NOT want to dress up all the time but sometimes it would be fun. If you’re taking me out for dinner, then lets both dress up. Let’s pretend we’re FANCY. Also we can take some snazzy selfies.

Be a gent. Open doors, push my seat in. pal, it’s the cutest things when guys do the whole “ladies first…” NO not all the time but if we’re being cute go for it. I’ll totally pretend I'm way to fragile to open the door my self.

I'm not a fan of dancing with guys in clubs. Don’t get me wrong I love going out and having fun but GRINDING with strangers is NOT my thing. So let’s bring back classy dancing. Think movies like ‘The Notebook’ and 'HSM' rather than all that 'bump and grind' business.

How about we don’t sit on our phones? Let’s pretend other people don’t exist for a while. Let’s talk. Lets flirt. Let’s ask questions. Let’s hold hands.

DO NOT EXPECT SEX. Maybe we could end on a goodnight kiss. A hug at the door. It shouldn’t always be an expectation. Its cuter. I promise.

I’ve been on ONE date throughout my whole 19 years of living. By choice, I promise, I had never wanted to go on a date before, but this time I did and it was SUPER cute. We did all of the above (except the parents, he met my flatmate and shook his hand *awwww*) and it was INCREDIBLE. There isn’t a single thing I would change about it.

If you too want to be a little bit classic, and you agree with me feel free to follow me on twitter and instagram because I'm pretty cute sometimes, @chantelle_kiran.

Until next time, remember I've said it so it must be true....

Chantelle₇

Song of the post: Classic - MKTO