Monday, 3 August 2015

The A R T of selfie taking

Here's a collection of selfie types I feel most of us are guilty of having taken. 

The “duck face” selfie. I don’t think this needs an explanation. See majority of internet for examples.

The "getting ready to go out" selfie. Your makeup is on fleek, hair looking fab, your ready to show the world you don’t always live in your pyjamas, only 97% of the time. These photos are proof of the 3% you’re not in PJs.

The "drunk" selfie. Usually you find these the morning after. They’re a great way to piece together what happened. Sometimes they feature random humans, sometimes they're just blurry things and most of the time they’re just blank. You’re in a club trying to take photos, obviously clubs prioritise lighting for selfie taking. Or not.

The "squad" selfie. The team. The family. Your bros. Your hos. You all look fresh as fuck, and absolutely fabulous.

The "holiday" selfie. A selfie normally featuring breath-taking scenery usually blocked out by someone’s head or legs. Although legs do sometimes look like hot dog who are lounging by a poolside or on a beach.

The “she doesn’t know she’s in my selfie” selfie. The “stealfie” *prounounced stealthy* when you’re taking a selfie featuring another person but that person is clearly blissfully unaware you’re taking a photo.

The “does this girl ever not take photos of herself” selfie. This is usually a photo when you look cute/innocent and the other person/ animal just looks confused, or more accurately disappointed and done with you, because there you go again taking another selfie.

The “I have a bikini body” selfie. Usually a beach selfie. Looking cute as f in a bikini. People need to see this. Obviously. Duh.

The “reflective surface” selfie. Any shiny surface feat. camera = cute selfie.

The “I can be classy; I promise” selfie. Normally features a cute professional looking outfit. Alternatively, could feature a nicer/more expensive alcoholic beverage than usual.

The “bae caught me slipping” selfie. (Even more AWKWARD because we all know you don’t have a bae.) A photo of you sleeping/napping/ being unaware a photos being taken while out with a loved one.

The “I’m so over you” selfie. Usually features a new lipstick, tighter clothing, a new piercing or tattoo. Girls are pro at this; they’ll make sure you know its aimed at their ex by using something personal. Guys can be pretty good at it too, usually a photo out with the lads and probably captioned “#ladsontour”.

The “I know other boys” selfie. A girl will usually post this post breakup. She’ll be surrounded by boys, or will be kissing a guy on the cheek, or being hugged by a guy. Just so her ex knows, she KNOWS other boys. Usually unlinking message of “F**K U”.

The “fitness” selfie. Most likely doesn’t include your face, because let’s be honest that makes up the rest of your Instagram, so its normally your torso and legs looking toned.

The “out with the girls” selfie. Similar to the squad selfie. All the girls together, looking H A W T.

The “I’m a party girl” selfie. You’ve gone hard and probably not made it home. You’re probably a drunk mess when this selfie’s taken, but you look like you’re the life of the party. The original rolling stone.

The “I work” selfie. Well I need money for all these nights out, all these cute clothes and all this alcohol, right? The at work selfie lets everyone know you are party of the real world. Just your average girl. Just like everyone else.


The “I eat healthy” selfie. Probably the only salad or healthy meal you’ve eaten all year. It usually doesn’t look appetising, probably would make a bunny pretty happy, but if you’re going to attempt to be healthy, you might as well document it.

Wait, did I say salad? Apparently, I've never taken a photo of a salad because I've obviously never eaten one.... 

The “I’m so hipster it hurts” selfie. Probably features new clothes. You look pretty hot. A little quirky. People should know you’re not “just like everyone else” oh no, you’re fashion forward.

The “oh so studious” selfie. I study. I have goals. I have ambition. Look at me. Don’t I look cute with glasses on? We all know this selfie is taken to prove you were studying, but no studying was ever done because what filter do you pick? Valencia?

The “I got a haircut” selfie. You’ve done it. After years of growing out your locks, avoiding the scissors, using hundreds of hair masks, you’ve taken the leap. Its done. But its pretty cute. Let the world know. Mark this momentous day in the calendar.

The “I look really hot and everyone else looks like shit” selfie. Proves you have friends. Makes you look hot. Winning all round.

The “I just chundered” selfie. This is a special one. Its usually the result of great lighting and a cute outfit. its not really planned. But we look pretty hot for people who just projectile vomited stir-fry right?

This photo was taken right after Jess and I chundered. We actually look so cute, it's crazy, but the lighting was fab so obviously we decided to take a selfie.

The "festive" selfie. It's a public holiday. Something's going down. How cute do I look dressed festival-appropriate?? 

The "I've done something new with myself" selfie. New makeup. Freshly painted nails. Dyed my hair. Got my weave did. 

The “I need to stay relevant” selfie. My Insta feed is lack a bit of instaglam. Time for a photo to remind everyone you still exist. Usually featuring a throwback. Heaven forbid you haven’t uploaded a photo in the last 21 hours and someone think you’re dead. Gotta please your followers.

A big thank you to my best friends, who let me steal their Instagram photos (not that they were given many choices) so if you think they're as cute as I think they are give them a follow, @sunshine_1396, @itsambbs and @clarkaybooooo. 

Follow me on twitter and instagram because I'm pretty cute sometimes, @chantelle_kiran.

Until next time, remember I've said it so it must be true....


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