Tuesday, 17 November 2015

The Fear

I think we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to find the one or someone. It kind of sucks. We try and find people we want to spend a lifetime with; but in all honest, I don’t even know what I want to eat for dinner tonight and I can’t decide between Bob’s Burgers or QI. How do I know what I want for the rest of my life?

People keep saying “you'll just know” but, I really don’t think that’s the case. Especially, these people who are either serial daters, or those who think they’re going to marry their childhood sweetheart. How do you know tomorrow that you wont get bored of his incessant babbling about the Man Utd match, or the way he shakes his knees when he’s sitting at the table for dinner? How could you possibly know that all the things that are sweet and congenial right now won’t be the most displeasing traits he possesses in just a matter of years?

What is truly frightening is giving yourself to someone. Giving all of you to someone for them to just leave you. Making all these memories, going to all these places, doing all these firsts with someone you can’t imagine yourself functioning adequately without, then in no time at all, they decide to leave you. What then? How do you recover from that? Surely, all those things would haunt you. Every time you go to those places how do you prevent all those, once so happy, memories surfacing? For me, it’s genuinely incomprehensible. I'm pretty sure it’s a large part of why being so involved with someone is a daunting concept for me.

I can’t imagine creating something supposedly magical with someone could later cause me to turn all those rose-tinted memories to black ash. How is it okay that something at one point in time could cause you to be the happiest person in the world, to then later cause you nothing but overwhelming pain?

It’s not that I don’t want someone to create amazing memories with; believe me I do, I just can not imagine that person knowing me and being the reason for my smile whilst simultaneously being the sole reason for my tears. How can you walk away from the person who knows you better than you know yourself?

I get why people do it. You grow. You change. You aren’t those teenagers who fell in loved when you were 15 anymore. You’ve both changed. Your goals aren’t compatible. You want different things. The list of reasons is never ending. It must be so devastating. It is possible to die of a broken heart. It is possible to break a heart string.

That’s what I’m really afraid of. No, not the dying. That, as Peter Pan stated “would be an awfully big adventure” but, the fact someone I LOVE could be the reason for my sadness. And from what I can see, heartbreak sounds like one of the deepest kind of sad. I don’t think I'm ready to surrender to the possibility.

Remember, I've never been in a relationship, so what do I know?!

Until next time, remember I've said it so it must be true....


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